CONTENT WARNING - Mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts
I’ve always been one to over analyse and worry about the little things, even if they only exist in my head.
I thought everyone experienced this, until I realised I was struggling to put on that smiling face everyday yet it seemed to come naturally to everyone else. Daily tasks would become increasingly more difficult until it was always a struggle to get out of bed in the mornings.
'Is this how everyone else feels?'
I felt alone, like no one would understand what I was going through. I didn't want to tell anyone as I feared that everyone would see me as weak.
I tried to avoid it, move past it, nothing was helping. All days were hard, my brain constantly fighting with me telling me that I wouldn't survive this. For me, suicide felt like the only way out. One morning I was driving and thought to myself, ‘this is it, today is the day’ and started to speed towards a tree. With only the thought of escape in my mind, the tree got closer, until I felt my foot being applied on the brake and my hands swerved me away from the tree. Confused as to what had happened, I realised that although my mind was fighting itself in the battle of survival, my body had never stopped wanting to survive. That’s when I made the realisation that...
My body could be the key to my willingness to live.
I started out small, exercising at home in my room because I was too terrified of going to a gym as other people, and their judgemental opinions, would be there. As my physical fitness levels grew, so did my mental fitness; I began to look at life differently and knew there was something I can do to manage any complication thrown my way. I still had my off days where things felt hopeless, but I pushed through and, with the help of confiding in a few close friends, things always became more hopeful.
I finally felt brave enough to go to the gym, and asked my brother if he wanted to come with me. As soon as I opened the door into the gym, I instantly regretted my decision. All of these fit people with judgemental eyes staring me down saying ‘who is this guy? He doesn’t belong here’ and ‘imagine coming to a gym when you aren’t even fit’. My mind was overthinking and sabotaging me before I had even begun.
I never told my brother of my anxiety and depression, but if he hadn't been there with me that day, I would not have taken that first step into the gym. That single step was everything. To others, I was just walking in to workout, but to me, I was making the decision that...
My life was worth fighting for and I would fight for it every single day.
I drove past that tree every time I went to the gym. It served as a reminder on how far I have come and that the fight was worth it.
For more information on MD the PT - Mental and Physical Fitness, visit: www.mdthept.com
Submitted to CONNECT - Mental Health on January 1st 2021. To submit your own mental health story, or blog piece, please email firstname.lastname@example.org